Chinese Got A Lot Of Hells…

Posted in Miscellaneous on October 15, 2008 by Jeff Carter

“Here’s to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won.

Here’s to America’s colors, the colors that never run.

May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather…”

As of today, Six Demon Bag is going on indefinite hiatus. I just don’t have the time or the energy to update the blog on a regular basis right now. Sorry to anyone who enjoyed the site. I’ll continue to write and if things change, I’ll be back.

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Lo Pan’s Lunk Dump: 10-09-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Notebook star Ryan Gosling the front runner to play Green Lantern, according to report.  Ugh…another case of a boy sent in to do a man’s job. When is Hollywood going to learn that it’s ok to cast someone over the age of 30 to play a freakin’ superhero? I don’t know, maybe it was just the hyper-idealized way these characters were drawn when I was growing up, but I always picture heroes like Hal Jordan or Superman as chisled, 35-38 year old men, not skinny 20-something college kids who look like they should be in a Starbucks with their laptops surfing Stuff White People Like.

Lethal Weapon 5 Is Being Fast Tracked? Great Googly Moogly. If someone came up to me and asked me what the world needed more, another Lethal Weapon movie or an infestation of giant spiders that implanted our bodies with spider-eggs and destroyed the Earth with laser beams that shot out of their asses, I’d have to think long and hard about that spider thing. Fifty bucks says the bad guy Riggs has to bring down is a big hairy Jewish guy with a huge gold Star of David necklace.

Here’s some pictures and video from the set of the movie adaptation of Mark Millar’s Kick-Ass comic. I don’t know anything about this story, but come on, it’s called Kick-Ass and Nick Cage is probably going to rock another ridiculous hairpiece. Sold!

A sequel to Unbreakable? M. Night Shyamalan confirms he wants to sit down and write it. Unbreakable is the equivalent of Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown. Both of them were great films, but idiotic audiences rejected them because they weren’t Pulp Fiction 2 or Sixth Sense 2. The characters Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis brought to life as a real-world supervillian and superhero deserved to be explored further, but in the wake of the backlash Shyamalan ran screaming away from the property and gave us shit-fests like The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Crappening The Happening. In my eyes, this is the only move that can give Manny his credibility back.

Finally, Zombie fans and Beatles fans now have something in common: Meet The Zombeatles! Goo Goo Gaj–BRAINSSSS!!!

Oops!

Posted in Miscellaneous on October 8, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Sorry about the lack of updates. I’m currently trying to decide if I should continue the blog or not. I don’t have much time to write the in-depth articles and reviews that I would like to, so I’m going to have to mull it over. I should have a Lo Pan’s Link Dump posted by tomorrow afternoon if time permits. Sorry again!

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 10-02-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , on October 2, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Kirsten Dunst says she’s back on board for Spider-Man 4. I don’t share the vitriol and contempt for Dunst that the rest of the Internet community has for her (constantly referring to her as “fug” or “Snaggletooth”, etc.), but I certainly wasn’t rooting for her to come back to the franchise either. The video clip in this interview isn’t going to win her any new friends or help her change her perception as a self-involved moron, that’s for sure. “That was two villains combinded, wasn’t it?” Combinded? WTF???

Tron 2 TR2N looks like it’s actually going to happen. YES YES YES!!! No word on if this guy is going to be in it though.

Check out the music video for Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Quantum of Solace theme song “Another Way To Die”. Pfft…lame. Everyone knows this is the best James Bond theme and video. Alicia Keys is liquid sex though.

John Favreau spills a whole lot of Iron Man sequel info, and had this to say regarding Tony Stark’s alcoholism storyline:

“I don’t think we’ll ever do the Leaving Las Vegas version, but it will be dealt with.”

I had a feeling he would pussy out when it came to Iron Man’s battle with the bottle. I’m sure he felt the heat from the Hollywood suits who didn’t want to have anything to do with a raging drunk superhero ruining their lighthearted cash cow. Don’t get me wrong, Iron Man kicked ass and Favreau did a tremendous job, but Stark’s struggles with booze is the defining aspect of his character and the story deserves the full treatment.

My ideal Iron Man sequel would go like this: In the wake of his “coming out” as Iron Man, Tony Stark sinks deeper and deeper into alcoholism, spiraling out of control, paving the way for Jim Rhodes to don the War Machine armor in order to stop the threat of the Crimson Dynamo or other villains that belong to the “10 Rings” organization. War Machine gets his ass kicked and needs help from Tony, who heroically returns as Iron Man at the end of the movie after a heart to heart with Pepper and defeats the enemies side by side with War Machine. Then in the third movie, the Mandarin reveals himself as the leader of the 10 Rings and the huge threat behind everything that has transpired. Hire me Favreau! I’m money baby!

Finally, The CW announced plans for a new show called The Graysons which would chronicle the life of Dick Grayson and his circus acrobat family before they died and he became Robin. Think that “Dawson’s Circus” idea sounds like ass in a can? Well, it gets worse. Smallville executive producers Kelly Souders and Brian Peterson are behind the show and The Graysons will be similar in style and structure to that weekly televised abortion.

Ugh. I bet you a million bucks Dick “DJ” Grayson (Yes, that’s what they’re calling him) will be a sullen, rebellious, emo kid who resents his circus life and will find romance and solve crimes in each new town he visits with the circus. He’ll probably encounter lame, watered-down, non-costumed versions of classic Batman villains too. Wonderful. Wouldn’t a series about a young Bruce Wayne traveling the world learning martial arts and detective skills in his preparation to become Batman be a far better premise for a show? Oh wait, that idea actually makes sense. Nevermind.

My Top Five Choices For Green Lantern

Posted in Celebrities, Comic Books, Movies, Science Fiction, Superheroes with tags , , on September 30, 2008 by Jeff Carter

According to this First Showing report, the long in development Green Lantern film took another step closer to seeing the light of day this week. The film will of course be an origin story, centering on white-bread test pilot Hal Jordan rather than soul brother architect John Stewart. (The Stewart version of Green Lantern will be featured in the upcoming Justice League film and will be played by Common).

Provided Hollywood doesn’t screw this one up with merchandising demands, script alterations, and hideous casting decisions, Green Lantern has the potential to be another Iron Man in terms of box office success. It should also be a spectacular special effects bonanza, with the variety of fun energy shapes (giant fists, axes, hammers, etc.) that Green Lanterns can produce with their power rings. The key to the movie’s success is finding a strong leading actor to portray the fearless Hal Jordan. Here’s a look at what I think are the top five choices:

5.) Mark Wahlberg: I’ll be the first to admit that I used to despise this guy. I looked at him and all I saw was a former underwear model/rapper/obnoxious wigger who wanted to add acting to his resume.  Things changed with his role as Dirk Diggler in P.T. Anderson’s porn saga Boogie Nights, however. He showed some terrific range in that flick, balancing humor and drama deftly, and since that breakthrough role he’s made nice career for himself with strong performances in films like We Own The Night and The Departed. Wahlberg has yet to star in a huge superhero blockbuster (the upcoming Max Payne doesn’t really count), and GL may be the perfect vehicle for him.

4.) Gerard Butler: After 300 this guy has been rumored to be up for every superhero role from Captain America to Aquaman, but so far he’s shied away from any cape-and-cowl offers, choosing to mix it up on an island with Jodie Foster and Little Miss Sunshine for some mysterious reason. Perhaps the imposing Scotsman is just waiting for the right pair of tights to don, and Green Lantern may be the opportunity he’s been waiting for.

3.) Thomas Jane: I know, I know, he’s already played The Punisher, but so what? Jane was the only decent thing about that festering dungpile, and he’s one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood (Don’t believe me? Check him out in The Mist. Awesome stuff). He has one of those faces that’s suitable for just about any superhero and you could sure as hell do a lot worse.

2.) Aaron Eckhart: I never thought much of this guy, and as a matter of fact, I was always confusing him for Thomas Jane for some reason. He always seemed like a pretty vanilla actor, but then a little role in a movie called The Dark Knight came along and changed everything. People like to talk about how mind-blowing Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker was, but Eckhart absolutely owned Harvey Dent and showed range above and beyond what anybody could have expected out of him. I don’t think audiences would have any problem buying Eckhart as the brash, cocky, fearless test pilot.

1.) Nathan Fillion: Yep, that’s right, good ol’ Captain Mal himself. I’m sure I just made a ton of Browncoats happy (not to mention padding my stats with Fillion image searches, heh heh). Anyway, Fillion may not have the star power of the other actors on this list, but I believe if given the right opportunity, Fillion can become a huge leading star in Hollywood. As Firefly has already proven, Fillion has the talent, the looks, and the charisma to be a hero and a leader in a sci-fi setting. He certainly deserves a better fate than his post-Firefly career has dealt him, as he has languished in guest roles on LOST, and the abysmial Desperate Housewives…*shudder*. Fillion really needs the break and that is why he’s my number one choice for the role of Hal Jordan. The only thing that may stand in his way is another masked man role…fans are currently clamoring for him to take on the mantle of The Lone Ranger alongside Johnny Depp as Tonto in the upcoming Disney film.

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 09-25-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , on September 25, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Ratings for season 3 premiere of Heroes=EPIC FAIL. Wow, that’s quite a drastic turnaround in viewership. I continue to watch this show more out of habit and a desire to see Ali Larter in lingerie than anything else, but I’ve always maintained that it’s one of the worst shows on television. Characters constantly do idiotic things and switch allegiances and personality traits to accommodate the sloppy, plot-hole ridden writing.  At least Malcolm McDowell is back this year, that guy is just a bowl of badass.

Stephen Chow to star in and direct the Green Hornet movie. This project just keeps getting weirder and weirder. It started life as a Kevin Smith film, who was going to treat it as a serious superhero adaptation, but he chickened out after writing the screenplay and the property floated around until Apatow cronie Seth Rogen decided to take a stab at it and turn it into a campy comedy. Now, the Kung Fu Hustle guy gets on board? This will either kick unholy ass or suck harder than The Love Guru…*shudder*

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed-The Movie? This pains me to say George, but it’s over. That dead horse you’re beating is just a bloody pile of guts at this point.

Here’s a report about a ton of upcoming genre projects from Disney, including The Lone Ranger, Pirates 4, National Treasure 3, Cars 2, Up, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, and Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride. I learned two things from reading this report; Johnny Depp is owned by Disney and I’d rather set a basket of puppies on fire than watch Wild Hogs 2.

Finally, here’s some Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen spoilers featuring info on some new characters which will be familiar to TF fans.  And here’s some concept art of Megatron’s new tank mode. There’s also a rumor going around that this Transformers movie might actually be watchable, but there’s no confirmation yet. 

Stuff Geeks Like #2: Idol Worship

Posted in Stuff Geeks Like with tags , , , , , on September 23, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Much like the ancient Greeks looked toward the heavens for guidance and wisdom from their Pantheon of Gods such as Zeus, Poseidon, and Ares, so to do geeks in modern society worship powerful beings who sit upon high thrones and dispense their wizardry to the masses. These powerful beings, however, are more apt to entertain their followers with retarded Rastafarian aliens or homoerotic hobbits than cast down thunderbolts or give fire to mankind.

The “Geek Pantheon” is primarily dominated by men whose physical traits consist of beards, glasses, and a large, unkempt mass of hair. The hierarchy of Geek Gods is as follows:

George Lucas (The Geek God of Star Wars, Indiana Jones). With his towering mane of white hair, a mighty white beard, and a double chin the size of a fetus, Lucas bears more than a passing resemblance to the Lord of the Gods, Zeus. But instead of casting down thunderbolts to punish mankind or impregnating various women to create more Gods and heroes like Hercules, Lucas gave birth to Star Wars, one of the most beloved (and also heavily scrutinized) science fiction/fantasy franchises of all time.

Though he is still powerful and influential, Lucas’ wisdom and judgment (especially regarding the Star Wars franchise) has deteriorated to the point where he believes Jabba the Hutt’s uncle should be covered in neon-colored tattoos, wear a feather headdress, and speak in a homosexual southern accent.

Stan Lee (The Geek God of Comic Books) Though many say his longtime creative partner Jack Kirby is the true power behind the early days of Marvel Comics, no other figure is revered or beloved in the comics world as Stan Lee. A jovial, kindhearted man with a penchant for alliteration, Lee is credited with the creation of dozens of popular and enduring superheroes such as Spider-Man, Iron Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, and The X-Men.

In his old age, Lee is little more than a mascot for Marvel comics, spending most of his time making brief but amusing cameos in the big-budget film adaptations of the characters he co-created over 40 years ago.  Lee’s most recent cameo was in Iron Man, where he was mistaken for Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner. This comparison isn’t much of a stretch, considering the last relevant contribution from either one occurred in the late 1970’s.

Peter Jackson (The Geek God of Lord of the Rings), When the first of the Star Wars prequels failed to meet expectations in 1999, there seemed to be a desperate cry from the geek legions for a new fantasy franchise that would capture their imaginations and suck their disposable income dry. Enter Peter Jackson and his adaptation of one of the greatest literary works of all-time, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Audiences thrilled to Jackson’s beautiful gay love story of Sam and Frodo, two tiny hobbits who braved a treacherous journey through a mystical land of evil wizards, orcs, and a giant eyeball, to frolic together in a fluffy feather bed with two other hobbits, a dwarf and an effeminate elf. Truly Moving.

Jackson has recently violated the geek idol appearance code by shedding 50 lbs, cutting his hair and getting Lasik eye surgery. For these crimes, and for the King Kong remake, he is dangerously close to being cast out of the Geek Pantheon.

Gene Roddenberry (The Geek God of Star Trek): Though not bearded or bespectacled, Roddenberry is slavishly worshipped and idolized by Trekkies, the highest echelon of geek culture. When questioned about their great love and admiration for Roddenberry, Trekkies will undoubtedly regurgitate the standard cliches regarding Roddenberry’s “visionary” ability to “hold a mirror up to society” and use science fiction metaphorically as a means to explore controversial themes such as civil rights, racism, gender roles, interracial romance, military politics, and the mating habits of fuzzy balls.

In the mid to late 90’s the vast Star Trek empire began to crumble with the final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, a TV show so monumentally dull and nerdy that even the most socially retarded Dr. Who fans balked at watching it for fear of being labeled “uncool”. Despite this, Trek conventions continue to attract millions of unwashed virgins each year, and fans of the saga hold on to the delusional belief that LOST creator J.J. Abrams “re-imagining” of the Star Trek universe in 2009, which stars the bad guy from Heroes as Spock and Harold from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle as Sulu, will somehow usher in a bold new era for the franchise.

Other lesser Geek Idols include Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, George Romero, Harlan Ellison, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Anne Rice, Jack Kirby, Ridley Scott, and Gary Gyax.