Stuff Geeks Like #2: Idol Worship

Much like the ancient Greeks looked toward the heavens for guidance and wisdom from their Pantheon of Gods such as Zeus, Poseidon, and Ares, so to do geeks in modern society worship powerful beings who sit upon high thrones and dispense their wizardry to the masses. These powerful beings, however, are more apt to entertain their followers with retarded Rastafarian aliens or homoerotic hobbits than cast down thunderbolts or give fire to mankind.

The “Geek Pantheon” is primarily dominated by men whose physical traits consist of beards, glasses, and a large, unkempt mass of hair. The hierarchy of Geek Gods is as follows:

George Lucas (The Geek God of Star Wars, Indiana Jones). With his towering mane of white hair, a mighty white beard, and a double chin the size of a fetus, Lucas bears more than a passing resemblance to the Lord of the Gods, Zeus. But instead of casting down thunderbolts to punish mankind or impregnating various women to create more Gods and heroes like Hercules, Lucas gave birth to Star Wars, one of the most beloved (and also heavily scrutinized) science fiction/fantasy franchises of all time.

Though he is still powerful and influential, Lucas’ wisdom and judgment (especially regarding the Star Wars franchise) has deteriorated to the point where he believes Jabba the Hutt’s uncle should be covered in neon-colored tattoos, wear a feather headdress, and speak in a homosexual southern accent.

Stan Lee (The Geek God of Comic Books) Though many say his longtime creative partner Jack Kirby is the true power behind the early days of Marvel Comics, no other figure is revered or beloved in the comics world as Stan Lee. A jovial, kindhearted man with a penchant for alliteration, Lee is credited with the creation of dozens of popular and enduring superheroes such as Spider-Man, Iron Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, and The X-Men.

In his old age, Lee is little more than a mascot for Marvel comics, spending most of his time making brief but amusing cameos in the big-budget film adaptations of the characters he co-created over 40 years ago.  Lee’s most recent cameo was in Iron Man, where he was mistaken for Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner. This comparison isn’t much of a stretch, considering the last relevant contribution from either one occurred in the late 1970’s.

Peter Jackson (The Geek God of Lord of the Rings), When the first of the Star Wars prequels failed to meet expectations in 1999, there seemed to be a desperate cry from the geek legions for a new fantasy franchise that would capture their imaginations and suck their disposable income dry. Enter Peter Jackson and his adaptation of one of the greatest literary works of all-time, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Audiences thrilled to Jackson’s beautiful gay love story of Sam and Frodo, two tiny hobbits who braved a treacherous journey through a mystical land of evil wizards, orcs, and a giant eyeball, to frolic together in a fluffy feather bed with two other hobbits, a dwarf and an effeminate elf. Truly Moving.

Jackson has recently violated the geek idol appearance code by shedding 50 lbs, cutting his hair and getting Lasik eye surgery. For these crimes, and for the King Kong remake, he is dangerously close to being cast out of the Geek Pantheon.

Gene Roddenberry (The Geek God of Star Trek): Though not bearded or bespectacled, Roddenberry is slavishly worshipped and idolized by Trekkies, the highest echelon of geek culture. When questioned about their great love and admiration for Roddenberry, Trekkies will undoubtedly regurgitate the standard cliches regarding Roddenberry’s “visionary” ability to “hold a mirror up to society” and use science fiction metaphorically as a means to explore controversial themes such as civil rights, racism, gender roles, interracial romance, military politics, and the mating habits of fuzzy balls.

In the mid to late 90’s the vast Star Trek empire began to crumble with the final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, a TV show so monumentally dull and nerdy that even the most socially retarded Dr. Who fans balked at watching it for fear of being labeled “uncool”. Despite this, Trek conventions continue to attract millions of unwashed virgins each year, and fans of the saga hold on to the delusional belief that LOST creator J.J. Abrams “re-imagining” of the Star Trek universe in 2009, which stars the bad guy from Heroes as Spock and Harold from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle as Sulu, will somehow usher in a bold new era for the franchise.

Other lesser Geek Idols include Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, George Romero, Harlan Ellison, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Anne Rice, Jack Kirby, Ridley Scott, and Gary Gyax.

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