Archive for the Lo Pan’s Link Dump Category

Lo Pan’s Lunk Dump: 10-09-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Notebook star Ryan Gosling the front runner to play Green Lantern, according to report.  Ugh…another case of a boy sent in to do a man’s job. When is Hollywood going to learn that it’s ok to cast someone over the age of 30 to play a freakin’ superhero? I don’t know, maybe it was just the hyper-idealized way these characters were drawn when I was growing up, but I always picture heroes like Hal Jordan or Superman as chisled, 35-38 year old men, not skinny 20-something college kids who look like they should be in a Starbucks with their laptops surfing Stuff White People Like.

Lethal Weapon 5 Is Being Fast Tracked? Great Googly Moogly. If someone came up to me and asked me what the world needed more, another Lethal Weapon movie or an infestation of giant spiders that implanted our bodies with spider-eggs and destroyed the Earth with laser beams that shot out of their asses, I’d have to think long and hard about that spider thing. Fifty bucks says the bad guy Riggs has to bring down is a big hairy Jewish guy with a huge gold Star of David necklace.

Here’s some pictures and video from the set of the movie adaptation of Mark Millar’s Kick-Ass comic. I don’t know anything about this story, but come on, it’s called Kick-Ass and Nick Cage is probably going to rock another ridiculous hairpiece. Sold!

A sequel to Unbreakable? M. Night Shyamalan confirms he wants to sit down and write it. Unbreakable is the equivalent of Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown. Both of them were great films, but idiotic audiences rejected them because they weren’t Pulp Fiction 2 or Sixth Sense 2. The characters Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis brought to life as a real-world supervillian and superhero deserved to be explored further, but in the wake of the backlash Shyamalan ran screaming away from the property and gave us shit-fests like The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Crappening The Happening. In my eyes, this is the only move that can give Manny his credibility back.

Finally, Zombie fans and Beatles fans now have something in common: Meet The Zombeatles! Goo Goo Gaj–BRAINSSSS!!!

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 10-02-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , on October 2, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Kirsten Dunst says she’s back on board for Spider-Man 4. I don’t share the vitriol and contempt for Dunst that the rest of the Internet community has for her (constantly referring to her as “fug” or “Snaggletooth”, etc.), but I certainly wasn’t rooting for her to come back to the franchise either. The video clip in this interview isn’t going to win her any new friends or help her change her perception as a self-involved moron, that’s for sure. “That was two villains combinded, wasn’t it?” Combinded? WTF???

Tron 2 TR2N looks like it’s actually going to happen. YES YES YES!!! No word on if this guy is going to be in it though.

Check out the music video for Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Quantum of Solace theme song “Another Way To Die”. Pfft…lame. Everyone knows this is the best James Bond theme and video. Alicia Keys is liquid sex though.

John Favreau spills a whole lot of Iron Man sequel info, and had this to say regarding Tony Stark’s alcoholism storyline:

“I don’t think we’ll ever do the Leaving Las Vegas version, but it will be dealt with.”

I had a feeling he would pussy out when it came to Iron Man’s battle with the bottle. I’m sure he felt the heat from the Hollywood suits who didn’t want to have anything to do with a raging drunk superhero ruining their lighthearted cash cow. Don’t get me wrong, Iron Man kicked ass and Favreau did a tremendous job, but Stark’s struggles with booze is the defining aspect of his character and the story deserves the full treatment.

My ideal Iron Man sequel would go like this: In the wake of his “coming out” as Iron Man, Tony Stark sinks deeper and deeper into alcoholism, spiraling out of control, paving the way for Jim Rhodes to don the War Machine armor in order to stop the threat of the Crimson Dynamo or other villains that belong to the “10 Rings” organization. War Machine gets his ass kicked and needs help from Tony, who heroically returns as Iron Man at the end of the movie after a heart to heart with Pepper and defeats the enemies side by side with War Machine. Then in the third movie, the Mandarin reveals himself as the leader of the 10 Rings and the huge threat behind everything that has transpired. Hire me Favreau! I’m money baby!

Finally, The CW announced plans for a new show called The Graysons which would chronicle the life of Dick Grayson and his circus acrobat family before they died and he became Robin. Think that “Dawson’s Circus” idea sounds like ass in a can? Well, it gets worse. Smallville executive producers Kelly Souders and Brian Peterson are behind the show and The Graysons will be similar in style and structure to that weekly televised abortion.

Ugh. I bet you a million bucks Dick “DJ” Grayson (Yes, that’s what they’re calling him) will be a sullen, rebellious, emo kid who resents his circus life and will find romance and solve crimes in each new town he visits with the circus. He’ll probably encounter lame, watered-down, non-costumed versions of classic Batman villains too. Wonderful. Wouldn’t a series about a young Bruce Wayne traveling the world learning martial arts and detective skills in his preparation to become Batman be a far better premise for a show? Oh wait, that idea actually makes sense. Nevermind.

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 09-25-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , on September 25, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Ratings for season 3 premiere of Heroes=EPIC FAIL. Wow, that’s quite a drastic turnaround in viewership. I continue to watch this show more out of habit and a desire to see Ali Larter in lingerie than anything else, but I’ve always maintained that it’s one of the worst shows on television. Characters constantly do idiotic things and switch allegiances and personality traits to accommodate the sloppy, plot-hole ridden writing.  At least Malcolm McDowell is back this year, that guy is just a bowl of badass.

Stephen Chow to star in and direct the Green Hornet movie. This project just keeps getting weirder and weirder. It started life as a Kevin Smith film, who was going to treat it as a serious superhero adaptation, but he chickened out after writing the screenplay and the property floated around until Apatow cronie Seth Rogen decided to take a stab at it and turn it into a campy comedy. Now, the Kung Fu Hustle guy gets on board? This will either kick unholy ass or suck harder than The Love Guru…*shudder*

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed-The Movie? This pains me to say George, but it’s over. That dead horse you’re beating is just a bloody pile of guts at this point.

Here’s a report about a ton of upcoming genre projects from Disney, including The Lone Ranger, Pirates 4, National Treasure 3, Cars 2, Up, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, and Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride. I learned two things from reading this report; Johnny Depp is owned by Disney and I’d rather set a basket of puppies on fire than watch Wild Hogs 2.

Finally, here’s some Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen spoilers featuring info on some new characters which will be familiar to TF fans.  And here’s some concept art of Megatron’s new tank mode. There’s also a rumor going around that this Transformers movie might actually be watchable, but there’s no confirmation yet. 

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 09-18-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Well, here’s an interesting idea: Aint it Cool? News reporter Moriarty thinks the Coen brothers would make an awesome Superman movie. I’m a big fan of the Coens, and there’s no question they can shoot the shit out of a movie, but I keep picturing Javier Bardem playing Superman with that creepy bowl haircut he sported in No Country For Old Men. *shudder*

Tahmoh Penikett (Helo on Battlestar Galactica) discusses the fate of his character in the series finale and how brilliant the Galactica writers are. If I were him, I’d be happy with any final scenario for my character as long as it still involved banging Grace Park on a regular basis. In a related story, the Battlestar Galactica franchise is 30 years old today. Holy crap I’m old.

Will Ed Norton be back as the Hulk in another sequel or in The Avengers movie? I think you’ll have a better chance of seeing a sequel to Blankman than another Hulk solo movie, but I think Marvel will throw some money at Norton, Downey Jr., Jackson, etc., to get all of them aboard for the Avengers. Speaking of Marvel’s super-team, is Eva Longoria in the running to play the Wasp? Please God no…

Here’s some footage of uber-hottie Megan Fox auditioning for the first Transformers. If you watch this and think, “Man, she is a God-awful actress”. Ask yourself this: would your penis you say “no” to her? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Finally, another Aint it Cool? News contributor attended the Paramount Pictures 2009 slate press screening, and saw some nearly-completed scenes from the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. To the shock and surprise of absolutely no one, it looked like ass in a can. Of course, I already outlined in great detail why this movie is going to be a giant piece of Rhino shit, and this report just confirms my beliefs.

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 09/09/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , on September 9, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

AWWW HELL NAW!!! Will Smith as Captain America? Say it ain’t so! Oh, ok, it ain’t so. -Whew-.

Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi “officially” back for Spider-Man 4 (and possibly 5). This is probably terrific news for a lot of Spider-Man fans out there, but I was hoping for a fresh start to this series. Part of the allure and staying power of comic books is that artists and writers come and go, but the characters endure because new creators come aboard with different perspectives and directions. In this case, any direction away from emo haircuts, jazz dance numbers, and the painfully mediocre and mis-cast Kirsten Dunst would be a good way to go.

Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and the rest of the Judd Apatow boys as Ghostbusters? Looks to be that way, according to recent comments by Ghostbusters actor and co-creator Harold Ramis (Egon). There’s a part of me- a teeny, tiny part of me deep down inside, that thinks a Ghostbusters sequel/reboot with Bill Murray and the rest of the old school Ghostbusters acting as mentors to some of today’s top comic actors would actually be a fun and cool idea. In all honesty though, this would probably turn out to be one of the most epic disasters in movie history. You just can’t catch lightning in a bottle twice. Blues Brothers 2000, anyone?

Some people in Chicago see an early screening of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Apparently it’s really shitty and isn’t very faithful to the book at all. Shocking.

New trailer for the Star Wars: Clone Wars CG-animated series on Cartoon Network. 100% southern, homosexual Hutt free!

Finally, check out the uber-awesome Big Lebowski 10th Anniversay Special Edition DVD!

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 09/03/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

I was pretty pissed off when I read this rumor about the final Battlestar Galactica episodes not showing up until April 2009 at the earliest, but my rage subsided when the SciFi Channel debunked the rumor. The final episodes of the series will begin airing in January as originally promised, which is still a ridiculously long time time to wait considering they’ve been in the can for quite some time now. Par for the course for a show that has aired something like 20 new shows in a two and a half year span.

“The Snowman” himself, Jerry Reed is dead. I absolutely loved Smokey and the Bandit when I was a kid, and I still want a black and gold 1978 Trans-Am to this day because of that movie. Jerry Reed was awesome as the Snowman, Burt Reynold’s trucker sidekick who hauled beer in his 18-wheeler in the first flick, a live elephant in the second, then took over as the Bandit for Burt Reynolds in the third. (Best Burt-less movie ever!). Reed also wrote great country classic like “When you’re hot, you’re hot”, and the all-time classic “Amos Moses”, which most of you young punks might recognize from the country radio station in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. R.I.P. Jerry.

Here’s a full rundown of all the deleted scenes and content hacked out of the Ed Norton Incredible Hulk flick. Most of it is boring psychological dialogue between Bruce and Betty’s douchebag psychiatrist boyfriend. I almost fell asleep just reading about it, so I can only imagine what it would have done to the audience watching in the theater. The Incredible Hulk is out on DVD on October 21, but if you want all 43 excruciating minutes of deleted footage, you’ll have to buy the Blu-ray version.

Red-Band trailer for Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Holy shit, this actually looks funny.

More legal wrangling and bullshit regarding the Fox lawsuit against Warner Brothers over the “Citizen Kane of comic book movies”, Watchmen. So help me God, if Fox successfully blocks the release of Watchmen, I’ll like, boycott X-Men Origins: Wolverine or something.

Here’s an interview with comic book writer Mark Millar, conducted by G4TV’s very own Blair Butler. In it, he discusses his latest comic project War Stories, as well as his plans to reboot the Superman movie franchise yet again with a three-movie epic saga. In a related story, I want to have sex with Blair Butler. Call me, Blair!

Finally, did you feel Cloverfield lacked something, like bouncing female breasts to go along with all that shaky-cam work? Well then, be sure to check out Cleavagefield!

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 08/27/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Here’s a link to those fan-made “Batman 3” posters, featuring Kristen Bell as Harley Quinn, David Tennant as the Riddler and some broad named Marion Cotilliard as Catwoman. These are nicely done I suppose, but after Ledger’s Joker and Eckhart’s Two-Face, having these three C-Listers as your villains is like going on a date with Scarlett Johannson and Marisa Miller that ends in some mind blowing sex, then jumping back into bed only to find they’ve been replaced by Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, and a drunk Verne Troyer.

Speaking of bad Batman casting, the Internet was ablaze this past week with the rumor that Christopher Nolan was in talks with Cher to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Of course, this is complete and utter bullshit, but it’s astonishing what people will believe and publish, isn’t it? Besides, Catwoman is all wrong for her, with all the shit she’s had injected into her head, shouldn’t she play Clayface? yuk-yuk!

On the box-office front, Jason Statham’s newest film Death Race got it’s ass handed to it this past weekend, finishing a pathetic third place behind Tropic Thunder and freakin’ House Bunny. Apparently more people wanted to see Anna Faris do her dumb blonde shtick for the five hundredth time and wiggle her ass in a Playboy bunny costume than Statham and a bunch of grimy, sweaty male convicts drive around in armor-plated cars and blow the holy hell out of each other in a Paul W. S. Anderson movie . Actually, that first one does sound more appealing. Sorry Statham fans, here’s a trailer for Transporter 3 to cheer you up.

George Lucas frozen in Carbonite. This is pure fried awesome.

The Dragonball Z movie was rumored to have been shit-canned by Fox executives after they saw some completed footage, but that later turned out to be a false rumor. A true victory for 10 year-olds and morons everywhere.

In other shit-canning news, HBO has stopped development on the PREACHER series because it “was just too dark and too violent and too controversial.” What a bunch of wussies they are. Correction: wussies and hypocrites. So it’s okay to air a series about a Mormon with three wives, a Mafia series where there are weekly murders, a prison drama with full-frontal male nudity and horrific violence, and an expletive-laden Western show with more horrific violence, but not PREACHER. Unbelievable. HBO has absolutely no balls, and if they don’t grow a pair soon, they are going to continue to get their asses handed to them in the original series department by SHOWTIME.  If the PREACHER showrunners were smart, they’d give them a call.

Finally, Warner Brothers released an official plot synopsis for Watchmen, and here’s some gorgeous ‘Set’ magazine covers featuring some close ups of some of the characters. Rorshach is ten tons of awesome!