Archive for Star Wars

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 09-25-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , on September 25, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Ratings for season 3 premiere of Heroes=EPIC FAIL. Wow, that’s quite a drastic turnaround in viewership. I continue to watch this show more out of habit and a desire to see Ali Larter in lingerie than anything else, but I’ve always maintained that it’s one of the worst shows on television. Characters constantly do idiotic things and switch allegiances and personality traits to accommodate the sloppy, plot-hole ridden writing.  At least Malcolm McDowell is back this year, that guy is just a bowl of badass.

Stephen Chow to star in and direct the Green Hornet movie. This project just keeps getting weirder and weirder. It started life as a Kevin Smith film, who was going to treat it as a serious superhero adaptation, but he chickened out after writing the screenplay and the property floated around until Apatow cronie Seth Rogen decided to take a stab at it and turn it into a campy comedy. Now, the Kung Fu Hustle guy gets on board? This will either kick unholy ass or suck harder than The Love Guru…*shudder*

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed-The Movie? This pains me to say George, but it’s over. That dead horse you’re beating is just a bloody pile of guts at this point.

Here’s a report about a ton of upcoming genre projects from Disney, including The Lone Ranger, Pirates 4, National Treasure 3, Cars 2, Up, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, and Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride. I learned two things from reading this report; Johnny Depp is owned by Disney and I’d rather set a basket of puppies on fire than watch Wild Hogs 2.

Finally, here’s some Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen spoilers featuring info on some new characters which will be familiar to TF fans.  And here’s some concept art of Megatron’s new tank mode. There’s also a rumor going around that this Transformers movie might actually be watchable, but there’s no confirmation yet. 


Stuff Geeks Like #2: Idol Worship

Posted in Stuff Geeks Like with tags , , , , , on September 23, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Much like the ancient Greeks looked toward the heavens for guidance and wisdom from their Pantheon of Gods such as Zeus, Poseidon, and Ares, so to do geeks in modern society worship powerful beings who sit upon high thrones and dispense their wizardry to the masses. These powerful beings, however, are more apt to entertain their followers with retarded Rastafarian aliens or homoerotic hobbits than cast down thunderbolts or give fire to mankind.

The “Geek Pantheon” is primarily dominated by men whose physical traits consist of beards, glasses, and a large, unkempt mass of hair. The hierarchy of Geek Gods is as follows:

George Lucas (The Geek God of Star Wars, Indiana Jones). With his towering mane of white hair, a mighty white beard, and a double chin the size of a fetus, Lucas bears more than a passing resemblance to the Lord of the Gods, Zeus. But instead of casting down thunderbolts to punish mankind or impregnating various women to create more Gods and heroes like Hercules, Lucas gave birth to Star Wars, one of the most beloved (and also heavily scrutinized) science fiction/fantasy franchises of all time.

Though he is still powerful and influential, Lucas’ wisdom and judgment (especially regarding the Star Wars franchise) has deteriorated to the point where he believes Jabba the Hutt’s uncle should be covered in neon-colored tattoos, wear a feather headdress, and speak in a homosexual southern accent.

Stan Lee (The Geek God of Comic Books) Though many say his longtime creative partner Jack Kirby is the true power behind the early days of Marvel Comics, no other figure is revered or beloved in the comics world as Stan Lee. A jovial, kindhearted man with a penchant for alliteration, Lee is credited with the creation of dozens of popular and enduring superheroes such as Spider-Man, Iron Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, and The X-Men.

In his old age, Lee is little more than a mascot for Marvel comics, spending most of his time making brief but amusing cameos in the big-budget film adaptations of the characters he co-created over 40 years ago.  Lee’s most recent cameo was in Iron Man, where he was mistaken for Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner. This comparison isn’t much of a stretch, considering the last relevant contribution from either one occurred in the late 1970’s.

Peter Jackson (The Geek God of Lord of the Rings), When the first of the Star Wars prequels failed to meet expectations in 1999, there seemed to be a desperate cry from the geek legions for a new fantasy franchise that would capture their imaginations and suck their disposable income dry. Enter Peter Jackson and his adaptation of one of the greatest literary works of all-time, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Audiences thrilled to Jackson’s beautiful gay love story of Sam and Frodo, two tiny hobbits who braved a treacherous journey through a mystical land of evil wizards, orcs, and a giant eyeball, to frolic together in a fluffy feather bed with two other hobbits, a dwarf and an effeminate elf. Truly Moving.

Jackson has recently violated the geek idol appearance code by shedding 50 lbs, cutting his hair and getting Lasik eye surgery. For these crimes, and for the King Kong remake, he is dangerously close to being cast out of the Geek Pantheon.

Gene Roddenberry (The Geek God of Star Trek): Though not bearded or bespectacled, Roddenberry is slavishly worshipped and idolized by Trekkies, the highest echelon of geek culture. When questioned about their great love and admiration for Roddenberry, Trekkies will undoubtedly regurgitate the standard cliches regarding Roddenberry’s “visionary” ability to “hold a mirror up to society” and use science fiction metaphorically as a means to explore controversial themes such as civil rights, racism, gender roles, interracial romance, military politics, and the mating habits of fuzzy balls.

In the mid to late 90’s the vast Star Trek empire began to crumble with the final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, a TV show so monumentally dull and nerdy that even the most socially retarded Dr. Who fans balked at watching it for fear of being labeled “uncool”. Despite this, Trek conventions continue to attract millions of unwashed virgins each year, and fans of the saga hold on to the delusional belief that LOST creator J.J. Abrams “re-imagining” of the Star Trek universe in 2009, which stars the bad guy from Heroes as Spock and Harold from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle as Sulu, will somehow usher in a bold new era for the franchise.

Other lesser Geek Idols include Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, George Romero, Harlan Ellison, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Anne Rice, Jack Kirby, Ridley Scott, and Gary Gyax.

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 09/09/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , on September 9, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

AWWW HELL NAW!!! Will Smith as Captain America? Say it ain’t so! Oh, ok, it ain’t so. -Whew-.

Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi “officially” back for Spider-Man 4 (and possibly 5). This is probably terrific news for a lot of Spider-Man fans out there, but I was hoping for a fresh start to this series. Part of the allure and staying power of comic books is that artists and writers come and go, but the characters endure because new creators come aboard with different perspectives and directions. In this case, any direction away from emo haircuts, jazz dance numbers, and the painfully mediocre and mis-cast Kirsten Dunst would be a good way to go.

Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and the rest of the Judd Apatow boys as Ghostbusters? Looks to be that way, according to recent comments by Ghostbusters actor and co-creator Harold Ramis (Egon). There’s a part of me- a teeny, tiny part of me deep down inside, that thinks a Ghostbusters sequel/reboot with Bill Murray and the rest of the old school Ghostbusters acting as mentors to some of today’s top comic actors would actually be a fun and cool idea. In all honesty though, this would probably turn out to be one of the most epic disasters in movie history. You just can’t catch lightning in a bottle twice. Blues Brothers 2000, anyone?

Some people in Chicago see an early screening of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Apparently it’s really shitty and isn’t very faithful to the book at all. Shocking.

New trailer for the Star Wars: Clone Wars CG-animated series on Cartoon Network. 100% southern, homosexual Hutt free!

Finally, check out the uber-awesome Big Lebowski 10th Anniversay Special Edition DVD!

Movie Review: ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , on August 17, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jabba’s effete, sissified, feather-headdress wearin’, neon tattooed, nightclub-owning Uncle Ziro. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW!?

Well, congratulations George, you’ve succeeded in creating a character that is gayer than C-3PO and more annoying than Jar Jar Binks. Wow…just typing that sentence has completely blown my mind.

Ziro pops up about 40 minutes into the new CGI animated feature film Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which I caught at a matinee showing on Friday afternoon. That  40-minute mark will henceforth be known as the point of no return for you Star Wars fans wishing to hang on to whatever shred of hope you still had left for this saga to retain some manner of dignity and magic. Consider yourself warned, because after you see and hear Ziro the Hutt squirm on screen and threaten Padme with his effeminate, Truman Capote-esque southern drawl, all will be lost forever.

Honestly, nothing George Lucas conjures up shocks me anymore. The man obviously has a bad motivator. He’s blown a restraining bolt. He’s nuttier than a Gungan. He’s batshit insane.  I have absolutely no clue what happened to George in the decade between Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and The Phantom Menace, but somewhere along the line he decided that what movie audiences really wanted to see were horrific Asian, Arab, and Jamaican stereotypes in the guise of aliens, inept battle droids that say “Roger! Roger!” endlessly and cannot remember numeric coordinates given by another battle droid, despite the fact IT’S A FUCKING ROBOT!!! A WALKING, TALKING COMPUTER CAN’T REMEMBER A TEN-DIGIT COORDINATE??? *sigh* Oh yeah, and there’s that big, homo Hutt I mentioned before. Thank you George…thank you for all you have given us.

Oh, the movie? It was actually pretty good. Fantastic battles and lightsaber duels. Smooth animation, nice voice work. The TV show that starts in the Fall should be pretty entertaining.

*** (out of five)

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 08/13/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , on August 13, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Tropic Thunder hits theaters today. Go see it and do your part to piss off the retarded retards who are holding retarded protests outside theaters because people in the movie say ‘retard’ too much. That’s just retarded.

In all seriousness, these disability groups that are calling for a boycott of this flick are totally missing the point. No one in this film is making fun of mentally challenged individuals, they’re making fun of all the pretentious actors and scumbag movie executives who try to exploit mental disability as subject matter in order to gain critical acclaim and parlay that into Oscar nominations. What’s more astonishing to me is the fact that no African-American organizations have made a peep about Robert Downey Jr.’s blackface character.

Awesome images from the upcoming Science Ninja Team Gatchaman CGI animated movie. Those of you you who were kids in the late 70’s/early 80’s will know Gatchaman as the original Japanese title for Battle of the Planets, which featured characters in kickass bird-themed outfits zooming around in a super-cool spaceship called The Phoenix. The animated film from Imagi Studios (the folks who did the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), is set to hit theaters in April 2009. Dear Lord, I can’t wait for next Spring! Battle of the Planets was God-like to me as a small child, second only to the mighty Star Wars. Unfortunately, the film will not feature Seven Zark Seven.

Not content to simply ruin music, MTV is now going to attempt to ruin comic books and geek culture with their new blog, Splash Page. This week the blog featured two very interesting stories: 1.) Joss Whedon made a Batman movie pitch to the studio? WTF? Man, I had absolutely no idea that ever happened. I knew he wrote a script for a Wonder Woman and was pretty close to directing it before it was inexplicably shelved, but a Batman script? I had no clue. Does this mean my geek membership is going to be revoked? Anyway, I’m glad it was rejected and we got Nolan’s awesome take on the caped crusader. I love pretty much everything Joss Whedon has ever done, but creating a new villain that’s a “Hannibal Lecter” type in Arkham Asylum? Pretty lame, Joss.  And 2.) Comic Writers chime in on how to reboot the Superman franchise. I love this article. It’s basically paragraph after paragraph of Mark Waid, Grant Morrison, and Brad Meltzer ripping Superman Returns to shreds.

Seth Green and Breckin Myer set to join ‘Heroes’. They will supposedly play two comic book geeks who get involved with a few of the Heroes. I recently watched the DVD extras of the Robot Chicken Star Wars special, and what I saw horrified me. From what I could glean from the footage, Seth Green and Breckin Myer spend all day hanging around a cool studio filled with action figures and puppets shooting eachother with nerf blasters. Oh yeah, and they also got to go to Skywalker Ranch, hang out with George Lucas, and have their DVD release party in the private Skywlaker Ranch theater. I fucking hate them.

Finally, Star Wars: The Clone Wars comes out Friday. It will be interesting to see if anyone cares. Anyone taking bets on whether it will top The X-Files box office gross?