Archive for Transformers

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 09-25-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , on September 25, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Ratings for season 3 premiere of Heroes=EPIC FAIL. Wow, that’s quite a drastic turnaround in viewership. I continue to watch this show more out of habit and a desire to see Ali Larter in lingerie than anything else, but I’ve always maintained that it’s one of the worst shows on television. Characters constantly do idiotic things and switch allegiances and personality traits to accommodate the sloppy, plot-hole ridden writing.  At least Malcolm McDowell is back this year, that guy is just a bowl of badass.

Stephen Chow to star in and direct the Green Hornet movie. This project just keeps getting weirder and weirder. It started life as a Kevin Smith film, who was going to treat it as a serious superhero adaptation, but he chickened out after writing the screenplay and the property floated around until Apatow cronie Seth Rogen decided to take a stab at it and turn it into a campy comedy. Now, the Kung Fu Hustle guy gets on board? This will either kick unholy ass or suck harder than The Love Guru…*shudder*

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed-The Movie? This pains me to say George, but it’s over. That dead horse you’re beating is just a bloody pile of guts at this point.

Here’s a report about a ton of upcoming genre projects from Disney, including The Lone Ranger, Pirates 4, National Treasure 3, Cars 2, Up, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, and Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride. I learned two things from reading this report; Johnny Depp is owned by Disney and I’d rather set a basket of puppies on fire than watch Wild Hogs 2.

Finally, here’s some Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen spoilers featuring info on some new characters which will be familiar to TF fans.  And here’s some concept art of Megatron’s new tank mode. There’s also a rumor going around that this Transformers movie might actually be watchable, but there’s no confirmation yet. 


Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 09-18-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Well, here’s an interesting idea: Aint it Cool? News reporter Moriarty thinks the Coen brothers would make an awesome Superman movie. I’m a big fan of the Coens, and there’s no question they can shoot the shit out of a movie, but I keep picturing Javier Bardem playing Superman with that creepy bowl haircut he sported in No Country For Old Men. *shudder*

Tahmoh Penikett (Helo on Battlestar Galactica) discusses the fate of his character in the series finale and how brilliant the Galactica writers are. If I were him, I’d be happy with any final scenario for my character as long as it still involved banging Grace Park on a regular basis. In a related story, the Battlestar Galactica franchise is 30 years old today. Holy crap I’m old.

Will Ed Norton be back as the Hulk in another sequel or in The Avengers movie? I think you’ll have a better chance of seeing a sequel to Blankman than another Hulk solo movie, but I think Marvel will throw some money at Norton, Downey Jr., Jackson, etc., to get all of them aboard for the Avengers. Speaking of Marvel’s super-team, is Eva Longoria in the running to play the Wasp? Please God no…

Here’s some footage of uber-hottie Megan Fox auditioning for the first Transformers. If you watch this and think, “Man, she is a God-awful actress”. Ask yourself this: would your penis you say “no” to her? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Finally, another Aint it Cool? News contributor attended the Paramount Pictures 2009 slate press screening, and saw some nearly-completed scenes from the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. To the shock and surprise of absolutely no one, it looked like ass in a can. Of course, I already outlined in great detail why this movie is going to be a giant piece of Rhino shit, and this report just confirms my beliefs.

Lo Pan’s Link Dump 08-20-08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , on August 19, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

Look kids, brand new posters for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen! I like the one taken from Optimus Prime’s audition for The Dark Knight. Heh.

Brian Austin Green says he wants to play the Riddler in a sequel to The Dark Knight. Yeah, okay David Silver. I have a better chance of riding on a winged unicorn with a naked Scarlett Johannsen through an enchanted kingdom made of gumdrops and rainbows then you do of even sniffing the door to Christopher Nolan’s office. In a related story, Ian Zeiring stated that he would dress up as Catwoman for a grilled cheese sandwhich.

You know, just as an aside, I really don’t get all this talk of the Riddler as the next Batman villain.  I mean, for the third act, you’re going to follow Batman’s arch nemesis with a second-rate baddie like the Riddler? The way I see it, there’s really only one way to go, and that is to re-cast the Joker. That may seem sacreligious after what Ledger has done with the character, but hey, the show must go on. There have been six James Bonds, Three Jack Ryans, and five Batmans, so there’s absolutely no reason why there can’t be a fourth Joker.

Tom Cruise wants to make a comic book movie. Wonderful. I’m sure this project will feature absolutely no Scientology propaganda.

It looks like the Voltron movie has some new financiers and may be close to being green-lit for production. Apparently it won’t be a huge-budget production like Michael Bay’s Transformers, but rather a moderately-priced feature with lots of green screen effects ala 300 and Sin City. Hmmm, so are we going to get a shirtless Keith screaming, “Madness? THIS. IS. ARUS!!!!” ?

Bad news for Superman movie fans: it looks like the proposed sequel, The Man of Steel is in a “holding pattern” over at Warner Brothers, until studio executives “figure out what to do with the property next”. Translation: “We need to hire someone who won’t make Superman an effeminate, whiny, jealous super-stalker. Oh, and also the movie was a giant, smelly turd.”

Here’s a really cool article about the making of the 1980 film, Flash Gordon. God, I love that movie. The highlight of the piece is Brian Blessed (the guy who played the Hawkman leader, Vultan), talking about how he would laugh and chase midgets around the set. Awesome.

Last but not least, here’s an awesome and hilarious blog called Springfield Punx, which features all manner of superheroes, sci-fi characters, and other random pop culture figures rendered Simpsons-style.

Top Ten Reasons The G.I. Joe Movie Will Suck

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , , on August 11, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: The following article contains spoilers for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. If you don’t want to know anything about the flick, stop reading!

In 2007, director Michael Bay broke the collective hearts of millions of Transformers fans with the release of his abysmal movie adaptation of the hugely popular 80’s toy line. The flick was a spectacle of excess, with lots of explosions and dramatic slow motion pans over the robot carnage, but it was obvious that Bay had no respect for the lore and legacy of the Transformers property.

I wasn’t too broken up about it, because I was never that into the Transformers as a kid. After Star Wars had run it’s course in ’83, I became a die-hard G.I. Joe collector. I was absolutely obsessed with the “Real American Heroes” action figure line and accompanying comic book series, so when it was announced that  G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra was finally going into production, I held my breath and hoped against hope that the same transgressions perpetrated upon the Transformers franchise by Bay and his cronies would not be visited upon my beloved G.I. Joe. Tragically, all of my hopes and dreams of a decent G.I. Joe film were annihilated as soon as the details started leaking on the Internet. This movie is going suck on an epic scale, and here’s the top ten reasons why:

10.) Roadblock isn’t called Roadblock: Anyone who has ever read a single G.I. Joe comic book or even watched an episode of that ridiculous animated series, knows that Roadblock is one of the most prominent (and popular) members of the G.I. Joe team. He’s one of only a handful of African-American joes, and as the team’s heavy machine-gunner (he could hand-fire a .50 caliber machine gun!), he was a vital component of just about every mission. He was also a great character, demonstrating fierce loyalty to his fellow Joes, as well as a knack for gourmet cooking! With that knowledge readily available, you have to wonder why the Rhodes scholars behind this production saw fit to essentially cast this character with a suitable actor (the uber-cool Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who played Mr. Eko on LOST), outfit him with a heavy machine gun, then inexplicably turn around and call him “Heavy Duty”, a lame add-on character who arrived on the scene at the tail-end of the G.I. Joe toy line.

9.) Destro won’t be wearing his steel mask: At least, not until the very end of the movie, according to spoiler reports. Which means that the primary villain of the film will be the invisble douchebag from season one of Heroes (he also played Dr. Who, apparently), running around in a three-piece suit. I bet we won’t even get to see the sweet pimp medallion… *sigh*

8.) It’s got a Wayans brother in the cast: First of all, there were over 300 Joe characters to choose from, and the writers stuck Ripcord in this film. Ripcord? The guy was in maybe one or two episodes of the animated series and about ten issues of the comic series. There were plenty of hugely popular Joes that could have filled this spot on the team. How about Flint? Gung Ho? Spirit? Hell, even Shipwreck would have been a far better choice. But Ripcord? Come on now!

A quick search on IMDb reveals the casting directors (yes, that’s right, they needed two clueless asshats for this job) for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra are named Ronna Kress and Nancy Bishop. These two geniuses were paid six-figure salaries to look at this extremely white paratrooper character and think, “Hey, how about that Wayans guy? He was hilarious in Little Man!” These two should be bound, gagged, tied to chairs and be forced to watch the later years of In Living Color (you know, the ones with Chris Rock…*shudder*).

7.) Storm Shadow looks like a member of Panic At The Disco: When Larry Hama introduced the concept of ninjas into the G.I. Joe mythology in 1984, it took the saga of the Real American Heroes to new heights of awesomeness. Suddenly, there was a mysterious and fascinating backstory that tied several characters together and introduced one of the most badass dudes to ever wield a bow & arrow, the Cobra ninja  Storm Shadow. Ol’ Stormie rocked the classic ninja outfit, except his was stark white, which made it unique and completely kickass. Now, sadly, Snake-Eyes’ sword brother and ultimate nemesis looks like he belongs in a super-gay Asian emo band with this incredibly lame white leather suit. His battle togs aren’t that much better, either. Nice Keds, asshole.

6.) It’s directed by Stephen Sommers (You know, The Mummy guy): He also directed Van Helsing, one of the biggest cinematic turds of all-time. After that travesty, this fucking guy shouldn’t be allowed to direct traffic on a one-way street, much less helm a G.I. Joe movie. Don’t get me wrong, the Mummy films certainly have their charms and are fun summer popcorn flicks, but the same style of filmmaking just won’t fly for G.I. Joe.  What the hell were the producers thinking here? Couldn’t they have found someone with a background in making military action films? Shit, was Michael Bay not available? That guy’s notorious for fetishizing soldiers, aircraft, and other military equipment in his flicks. Oh wait, that’s right, he was busy raping the childhoods of thousands of Transformers fans. My bad.

5.) Duke and Cobra Commander are teenagers:

Oh look honey, the two main characters and leaders of their respective organizations are played by that kid from Step Up 2 Tha Streets and that kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun, isn’t that cute? [shoots self].

4.) It’s an origin story: Good Lord, just for once, could Hollywood have one iota of respect for an audience’s intelligence and drop them into a universe where everything is already established? Would it be that difficult to follow a story that involves a group of highly-trained elite military specialists fighting against an evil terrorist organization? Well, apparently Hollywood feels the world is made up of slack-jawed mouth-breathers who need to know the origins of every face that hits the screen, so valuable time that could be spent on a compelling and intense story is wasted on character introductions and tedious exposition. It’s becoming incredibly frustrating.

Think about it for a minute, some of the greatest movies of all time simply dropped audiences into the middle of a story without explaining a damn thing. Take the original Star Wars, for example. You got a very brief text crawl that set up a few things, but then you were immediately smack dab in the middle of an insane space battle where all hell is breaking loose and the two main characters for the first 30 minutes of the movie are freakin’ robots! It worked, however, because eventually the strength of the story and the characters erased any need for background information or “audience orientation”. In my opinion, the exact same scenario could work for G.I Joe. Just plop the audience down in the midst of an intense firefight between some Joes and Cobras, and let the characters and the story shine through.

3.) It’s set in the future: Ten years in the future, according to the uber-geniuses behind this project. Fantastic. This means we’ll get to see “futuristic” weapons, “futuristic” battle armor, and all the Cobra soldiers will more than likely be cyborgs. FAIL.

2.) No Stalker: This omission is probably the most criminal of them all, as Stalker was a crucial member of the team with ties to the Snake-Eyes/Storm Shadow story. See, Stalker was part of a LRRP (Long-range recon patrol) in Vietnam along with Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow (who went to train with the same ninja clan together after the war), and after the war he was one of the first members recruited for the team by the U.S. Government. If you go by the comics and not the animated series, Stalker was a total badass who was essentially third in command of the team behind Hawk and Duke. It stands to reason that if you are going to do an origin story of the G.I. Joe team, you’d probably want to feature the one guy who helped start it all, asshats.

1.) Everyone’s wearing black rubber suits…AGAIN. Please….please…For fuck’s sake…CAN WE STOP WITH THE FUCKING BLACK RUBBER SUITS ALREADY??? Jesus Christ, this movie could have a been a competent Hollywood costume director’s wet dream, with hundreds of unique and colorful military costume designs to choose from, but it all went up in flames when some douche-y studio exec or market analyst stuck their mitts in where they didn’t belong and said, “Hey, X-Men was a group of heroes and they wore black rubber suits! I seem to recall that franchise made a shit-ton of cash, so let’s scrap all of this camoflauge and practical military clothing and have them wear black rubber suits too!” Yeah, great. Wonderful. So instead of having a team comprised of unique individuals with costumes reflecting their identities, we once again have a bunch of guys who all look exactly the same, so they can look pretty for a group photo.  FUCK. YOU. This decision was beyond terrible, and it’s getting to be a ridiculous team/action movie cliche. I guess we have the costume director for the first Batman film (1989) to blame for this trend, as almost every single superhero flick to come out since then has featured the dreaded black leather/rubber jumpsuit: all the subsequent Batmans, Daredevil, the Blade films, The Matrix films, The X-Men films, the list goes on and on. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Lo Pan’s Link Dump: 08/06/08

Posted in Lo Pan's Link Dump with tags , , , , , , , on August 6, 2008 by Jeff Carter

Ed. Note: Lo Pan’s Link Dump is a weekly roundup of the latest geek culture headlines, ripped off gathered from various websites and news sources, all brought to you by your favorite 3,000 year old Chinese sorcerer, David Lo Pan!

The Dark Knight hits the $400 million dollar mark in just 18 days.

Once upon a time, Hollywood was going to make a Halo film. Here’s some newly-discovered concept art and some info on the spec script written by Staurt Beattie in 2001. Hey, want to try something fun? Replace the ‘Chief’ in Master Chief with ‘Bates’, and say it out loud really fast. Haw!

Despite all reports that the script is ass on toast, it looks like the Justice League movie is back on track to start shooting in early 2009. Hmmm…think The Dark Knight making 8 kazillion dollars had anything to do with this sudden resurrection of a comic book property featuring Batman?

Overrated comic creator Todd MacFarlane shares his opinion on the proposed spinoff film of his overrated character, Venom. I hate to break it to you fanboys, but Venom sucks. Always has, always will.

Finally, Megatron may be back in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in tank form. However, he will still look like a pile of spikes and broken boombox parts in robot form. Oh, and the movie will also suck just as hard as the first one.